I have been triggered.
I have to admit that for those who do not know what that term means I am envious... but I want to be honest for everybody.
You may have seen things like "trigger warning" on social media before. This is a warning that a story, video, or picture could trigger traumatic events.
A trigger is f'ing real and they f'ing suck. For me there are times that I can recognize it immediately... but there are other times that triggers are like a slow burn. If you have read my previous posts there is one moment where I talked about dissociation (the brain's ability to essentially "block out" memories in response to fight or flight). This is an example where the triggers are a slow burn, meaning I won't feel the effects immediately but I could experience hardcore depression shortly after or the next day... or the next day... or the next day.
Immediate triggers are worse. You know you've felt it and you are trying to combat the after-effect because that depression is crippling.
In an effort to explain and not try to trigger somebody else- a video was posted that depicted both physical and sexual abuse to children by their Mother. BY THEIR MOTHER. THE ONE WHO CARRIED THEM. THE ONE (and not downplaying the significance a Father plays in any child's life) THAT SHOULD ALWAYS PROTECT THEM.
I've never experienced this personally as a child and for that I am forever thankful. But I am a Mother, I am an Aunt, I am a Momma Mia (second Mother). At first I felt physically sick, but then I started to feel loopy... like I knew the trigger means so much more and I am scared of how my body and brain will react.
I am writing to write because I am so out of it right now.
Why is this world so evil? Why is my brain asking what has this woman has been through to put her own children through this? WHY AREN'T THESE PEOPLE LOCKED AWAY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES?!
This terrifies me. As a Mother I look at my son and think if anybody ever hurts my boy... pray the cops get you first. Pray. Because the love I have for him consumes me. It literally consumes me. I've loved things before, but looking at him I can literally feel it consume me. It is my job and his Dad's job to protect him to the best of our abilities.
But some children don't have that. Some children never have that. They will be forced into a world that doesn't understand and expects them to be operating citizens. How? How can that happen when you're literally being sold like a piece of meat starting as an infant?
I just can't even. Which isn't an intelligent statement but I am all over the place.
This is a trigger.
This is what it's like.
I can't ask enough for people to just always be good. To be kind.