To Help or Not to Help... Is It Even a Question?

8/19/2020

The theme of yesterday's EMDR was not receiving help or support during a critical time in my life... which leads me to a story of something that happened this weekend.

Every single day at the corner of a street where I turn onto the main highway there is an older gentleman sitting there with a sign asking for support as his medications cost $200 per week.

Every time I pass him I put my head down in shame because I never carry cash... and I always tell myself to grab a few dollars from wherever I am going... but then I forget.

This last Saturday I was picking up lunch for the boys and saw him there. I had some time to spare before the food was ready so I found the closest ATM and pulled out $200.

My thought process?

It was early on a Saturday and I see him there EVERY SINGLE DAY. He's elderly and it was hot, so I was hoping that he could take a break and get some rest.

Later in the day around 1700 I had to run another errand (I clearly am not very efficient with logistics- which is ironic because it's what I did in the Marine Corps and what I do for a living). Sure enough, he was still there with his sign.

It kind of broke my heart. Here's why.

I get told all of the time don't give money to panhandlers, they're usually doing it for all of the wrong reasons. I get it. I really do.

But at the same time, I can't imagine how embarrassing it has to be for someone to get to the point where they have to stand there asking for money. Is it everybody who is in it for the wrong reasons or are there genuine cases where there's no other alternative? If the latter, am I passing up an opportunity to help someone in need or I am just fueling an addiction- whether that addition be alcohol, drugs, or even the ability to get money from strangers.

Going back to my main point about the EMDR session- I believe I am willing to give no matter the underlying cause because I didn't have support when I needed it the most. And because of that, I can completely relate to the feeling of desperation and doing whatever needs to be done to keep going.

What about you? What are your thoughts on this?

3 Comments

Michael

8/19/2020 03:39:38 pm

I could understand where your coming from. I worked as a cashier for a gas stations for a period of time. I did night shift from 9pm to 5am. First, I spent my first few months working in a glass box it was peachy. Some what.

Then a new store was built on a major intersection and I was transferred to work there, now. Well the placement of the store may have been strategic for marketing, but it sat in front of a high violence neighborhood. Drugs, guns, police, and homeless people. This store did not have a glass box.

Panhandling started quickly after the grand opening. I never minded it. 2nd shift complained even though they left at 8. Anytime I had change in my pocket, if I could spare it, I would give it. Mainly because some you could tell if didn't need the help. But others, would be straight forward and be like" he man, I need like $1.50 to get me beer. Can yah help out?" Me:"I dont have $1.50, but got 85 cent if that's cool for you?". Them: "yeah, that'll work!"

After a few week it was easy to determine who the regulars were from other coming through like strippers or late night workers getting gas from the pump. After an incident with an older man I was fair with played out badly. Things changed. The older man had drug issues. He admitted it. He lived out of a suitcase he pulled behind him. All he ever wanted to do when he came through was to sit and rest at the counter, maybe chat. He would get free fountain drinks.( it only cost 80 cent. I wasn't gonna charge him for it.) Or coffee when cold.
But one night at the start of my shift a second shift cashier went to throw trash away in the back. Saw him sleeping in in some cardboard and call the cops on him. The reason was that it made the females there feel unsafe. And the police officer was a women as well. I looked kinda stupid trying to help him but, a few weeks ahead the city also passed a new ordinance banning panhandling. So he was banned. It didn't stop the other crazier one though.

I really think it is more of the situation than the person when it comes to certain individuals
circumstance. Everyone needs help some time.

Rachelle

8/19/2020 03:44:08 pm

You’re exactly right. I think it’s situation by situation. We all have a story, but at the end of the day we are all humans and need help from time to time.

Nick

8/21/2020 07:31:47 am

I've had a similar experience, I was walking out of a store and passed a man walking to my vehicle. We greeted and I keeped walking. As I neared my truck I heard someone saying youngman, youngman, so I turned and it was the same man. He older, I'd say mid sixties, dressed but nothing stood out, nothing fancy, nothing tattered. He asked me if I could help him with some gas money. I told him let me set my items down and check, I didnt expect to find much cash in my vehicle but I hoped maybe I stashed something in there. So I find only a dollar and I tell him to just wait and I will come back with some money. He says ok and I leave in search of a ATM. I pull out some money. As I'm driving back I recalled the reason I was compelled to help him. You see I had seen another man walking along the road in town just before I turned into the grocery store. It was hot out and I said to myself I bet he would appreciate a ride to where he was going, if I was heading his direction I would help. Then I wondered about random acts of kindness and how it is nice when a random meeting between two people allows for us to be generous and serve a purpose in another's life.

So I return to the store and look for the man and his car. It's not there and I wonder was the dollar I gave him enough to be helpful. I felt like i had all but manifested the opportunity to help someone and yet all i produced was a dollar. I decided i would drive a little and see if i could find his car near the gas station so I turned right and headed down the boulevard. As I neared the gas station I spotted what I thought was his car in a near by parking lot for a strip mall. This mall had a dollar general and a hair supplies store as well as a liquor store. I tried not to judge and pulled in. I drove by his car but he was not there. So I drove around the lot and decided I was going to leave a note and the money in his car. The windows were down so I could just leave inside it so it would be safe. As I am writing the note about random acts of kindness and my compelling story I catch him out of the corner of my eye. His wife had a brown paper bag in hand and I knew where they had been. I also knew my dollar may have helped the purchase, and that perhaps he didnt actually need money for gas that badly. In any case I hopped out and went over to him. I gave him the money I had pulled out of the ATM and told him how I was glad to have found him. We had a nice chat and he told me how his wife didn't believe i would come back so they left. There seemed to be some shock that I found them, that I gave them money, and that I was not caring about where they just came from. There seemed to be a little shame as well, but mostly just joy in the genuine meeting of three people, the true seeing of other human beings, no judgement.

I realized I had learned something as I drove away, when we give, it's not up to us to determine how those you give to are blessed. It's a blessing to have the opportunity to give, when you find those moments where random kindness can manifest itself, just go with it. We have to let go of the control we attach to our gifts to other people. It's no up to us how the gift is used or maybe even what the gift is. It's not up to us to decide what they do with it or how they are blessed. Our blessing is the gift to give and theres is whatever it becomes. We should be free of that and in being free perhaps it frees them from guilt and shame and in a little or a big way they feel somehow connected to you, to humanity, to the world. And perhaps you can feel that freedom and connection too. Isn't that the point.

To Help or Not to Help... Is It Even a Question?

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