For those of you that haven't been following, I started EMDR treatment for PTSD last week. If you are new, EMDR is Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, a form of therapy that has been beneficial for those who are struggling with PTSD. EMDR will not help you forget memories, but it has been shown to help to "retrain" the processing of traumatic events.
For me (and probably many others), my flight or fight reaction to triggering situations can be drastic and uncontrollable. By that I mean I either completely shut down or I find myself needing to exit the situation immediately, even at inappropriate times.
At today's session I was introduced to the EMDR for a moment, but we are still doing our pre-work. There were three areas of primary focus: identifying a safe place in explicit detail, describing a container where I can visualize storing my trauma after I have processed it, and determining my disassociation.
For me (and probably many others), my flight or fight reaction to triggering situations can be drastic and uncontrollable. By that I mean I either completely shut down or I find myself needing to exit the situation immediately, even at inappropriate times.
At today's session I was introduced to the EMDR for a moment, but we are still doing our pre-work. There were three areas of primary focus: identifying a safe place in explicit detail, describing a container where I can visualize storing my trauma after I have processed it, and determining my disassociation.
My Safe Place
The safe place I was asked to envision is a real place. You can see it in the background of this picture.
My safe place has been the same for as long as I could remember. It's at the house I grew up in in Northern Michigan. There was about 20 acres there (but that didn't deter me from tearing up the surrounding acres with our four-wheeler or mule).
In the front was a hammock. I laid in that hammock more times than I can count. I fell in love with literature there.
Behind the hammock was my Dad's work barn. The one he built with his own two hands. In front of the hammock was luscious green grass that my parents meticulously cared for and the home that my Dad re-built.
It's quiet there, nothing but the sound of the woods. It's warm, but there's a breeze in the air that makes me comfortable. I am gently swaying the hammock, with one foot on the ground and the other tucked beneath me. The sky is the type of blue that you'd take a picture of today, but luckily I didn't have a cell phone to distract me.
This beauty, this peace... I once had it and I am thankful for that. Now it serves as my safe place and the same place I will use in my therapy when I need to return from processing my trauma.
Container
Next I was asked to describe a container. This container would be a vessel for the negative memories as I am processing.
What's eerie to me is how quickly I could describe my container in explicit detail. Literally something I have never thought of in my life...
It's red. Not a bright red, but faded. It's a standard ISO container with nothing on the outside (my mind initially said it wanted graffiti, but I ultimately decided it would be clean). It's above ground and locked.
I was asked to think of where I would want it to be. Before she could finish describing how I should be explicit in my explanation, I blurted, "Afghanistan. In the middle of the desert. With the sun beating on it all day."
I didn't plan this... it was literally the first thing that came to mind. A country that is war-torn and hell-like.
That's where this shitty container would stay.
Disassociation
The final part of my session was to gauge my level of disassociation. I have disassociated myself from situations as a survival mechanism (fight or flight), to the point that I cannot fully remember things until I am asked to recall them... and I have to be pressed.
To be fair, we all have disassociation. Have you ever been driving and after some time realize you didn't know how you got where you are? That's a dissociative moment.
The issue with EMDR and disassociation is that there is a chance that a trauma or traumas cannot be fully "resolved" (again, it's not about forgetting- it is about being able to manage) if my brain is purposefully blocking memories.
I cannot tell you what would happen after the questionnaire if I was highly dis-associative because I fell under a score of 30 (don't ask me what this means). I imagine any higher would not yet be eligible for EMDR or maybe there's a more aggressive way that it is administered.
I believe next week is my last week of pre-work. I will keep ya'll posted.
Until then keep fighting the good fight, my friends.
The safe place I was asked to envision is a real place. You can see it in the background of this picture.
My safe place has been the same for as long as I could remember. It's at the house I grew up in in Northern Michigan. There was about 20 acres there (but that didn't deter me from tearing up the surrounding acres with our four-wheeler or mule).
In the front was a hammock. I laid in that hammock more times than I can count. I fell in love with literature there.
Behind the hammock was my Dad's work barn. The one he built with his own two hands. In front of the hammock was luscious green grass that my parents meticulously cared for and the home that my Dad re-built.
It's quiet there, nothing but the sound of the woods. It's warm, but there's a breeze in the air that makes me comfortable. I am gently swaying the hammock, with one foot on the ground and the other tucked beneath me. The sky is the type of blue that you'd take a picture of today, but luckily I didn't have a cell phone to distract me.
This beauty, this peace... I once had it and I am thankful for that. Now it serves as my safe place and the same place I will use in my therapy when I need to return from processing my trauma.
Container
Next I was asked to describe a container. This container would be a vessel for the negative memories as I am processing.
What's eerie to me is how quickly I could describe my container in explicit detail. Literally something I have never thought of in my life...
It's red. Not a bright red, but faded. It's a standard ISO container with nothing on the outside (my mind initially said it wanted graffiti, but I ultimately decided it would be clean). It's above ground and locked.
I was asked to think of where I would want it to be. Before she could finish describing how I should be explicit in my explanation, I blurted, "Afghanistan. In the middle of the desert. With the sun beating on it all day."
I didn't plan this... it was literally the first thing that came to mind. A country that is war-torn and hell-like.
That's where this shitty container would stay.
Disassociation
The final part of my session was to gauge my level of disassociation. I have disassociated myself from situations as a survival mechanism (fight or flight), to the point that I cannot fully remember things until I am asked to recall them... and I have to be pressed.
To be fair, we all have disassociation. Have you ever been driving and after some time realize you didn't know how you got where you are? That's a dissociative moment.
The issue with EMDR and disassociation is that there is a chance that a trauma or traumas cannot be fully "resolved" (again, it's not about forgetting- it is about being able to manage) if my brain is purposefully blocking memories.
I cannot tell you what would happen after the questionnaire if I was highly dis-associative because I fell under a score of 30 (don't ask me what this means). I imagine any higher would not yet be eligible for EMDR or maybe there's a more aggressive way that it is administered.
I believe next week is my last week of pre-work. I will keep ya'll posted.
Until then keep fighting the good fight, my friends.