Today was my first official EMDR session. So here's how it works.
As a reminder, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Barney-style breakdown: the eye-movement stimulation is supposed to help trigger both sides of your brain so that trauma can be reprocessed from both a logical and emotional perspective.
In prior weeks I had provided my therapist with a trauma timeline. Traumas are processed in order as they may have impacted how you reacted to events later in life.
We started with my very first cluster memories (a series in time rather than one specific memory). For me it was my childhood, specifically my real Dad. For the record, my real Dad is alive, my stepdad is the one who passed.
My therapist had a website pulled up that has a 1-inch circle in the middle. I got to pick its color. I picked green (GO MSU/PACKERS).
When it begins the circle moves from left to right, not in a constant motion but kind of jumping... I don't really know the best way to describe it. It is silent during those times as you let your brain kind of wander all while trying to keep it focused on your memories.
After about a minute or two (or maybe more, I lost track of time) my therapist would stop and ask me what I was feeling or what I was processing.
At first I didn't think it was working... I was so focused on following the dot. Once she slowed it down though, oh my goodness.
So many different emotions and memories and thoughts came forward. Some of the things that I was processing were not actually memories, they were feelings. Specifically I have held a lot of anger towards my real Dad which only worsened when I became a parent. I started off furious at him, but towards the end I felt compelled to call him.
Why?
When I think back to my childhood there were shitty memories, yeah. We all have them. But somehow towards the tail-end of the session I was putting things into context and building this understanding of why things happened the way they did. For example, my parent's divorce left my mother very resentful towards my father. To this day she brings up things that have happened even though I have forgotten or want to forget about them.
I can't help but wonder if my Mom's resentment shaped a resentment in me. Something that, until I reprocessed, I realized I actually had a pretty good childhood. I couldn't come up with one specific event. In fact, all I kept thinking about were happy memories.
For the less-than-perfect.. well, they're rotting in an ISO Container somewhere in Afghanistan.
Until next week, my friends.
As a reminder, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Barney-style breakdown: the eye-movement stimulation is supposed to help trigger both sides of your brain so that trauma can be reprocessed from both a logical and emotional perspective.
In prior weeks I had provided my therapist with a trauma timeline. Traumas are processed in order as they may have impacted how you reacted to events later in life.
We started with my very first cluster memories (a series in time rather than one specific memory). For me it was my childhood, specifically my real Dad. For the record, my real Dad is alive, my stepdad is the one who passed.
My therapist had a website pulled up that has a 1-inch circle in the middle. I got to pick its color. I picked green (GO MSU/PACKERS).
When it begins the circle moves from left to right, not in a constant motion but kind of jumping... I don't really know the best way to describe it. It is silent during those times as you let your brain kind of wander all while trying to keep it focused on your memories.
After about a minute or two (or maybe more, I lost track of time) my therapist would stop and ask me what I was feeling or what I was processing.
At first I didn't think it was working... I was so focused on following the dot. Once she slowed it down though, oh my goodness.
So many different emotions and memories and thoughts came forward. Some of the things that I was processing were not actually memories, they were feelings. Specifically I have held a lot of anger towards my real Dad which only worsened when I became a parent. I started off furious at him, but towards the end I felt compelled to call him.
Why?
When I think back to my childhood there were shitty memories, yeah. We all have them. But somehow towards the tail-end of the session I was putting things into context and building this understanding of why things happened the way they did. For example, my parent's divorce left my mother very resentful towards my father. To this day she brings up things that have happened even though I have forgotten or want to forget about them.
I can't help but wonder if my Mom's resentment shaped a resentment in me. Something that, until I reprocessed, I realized I actually had a pretty good childhood. I couldn't come up with one specific event. In fact, all I kept thinking about were happy memories.
For the less-than-perfect.. well, they're rotting in an ISO Container somewhere in Afghanistan.
Until next week, my friends.